Winter is here again. Celebrated Christmas again. The fruit cakes didn’t taste as good as it had tasted last year. Same bakery, same ingredients, same proportions, but still, it didn’t taste the same.
It is cold now. Mind frozen. Brain frozen. Heart frozen. Veins numbed. Bones chilled to the marrow. It is cold. The temperature isn’t that low, but I feel cold.
Feels like, I am growing old. Or maybe it’s an illusion. But I’m just 18 now. Don’t know what it is. Don’t know why it is.
There is this undying desire to write whatever I feel. But it’s like, I can’t write what I feel. Something is holding me back. Something. Feels like, I don’t know the alphabet when the pen is in my hand. Or, I have never studied grammar, the figures of speech, the tenses and all that.
I don’t understand. And whatever is incomprehensible, is science to me. I was never good at the natural sciences. But nevermind, I feel cold. The blanket is not as comfy as it used to be till lately; till the last winter. It is still warm. But I can’t sleep.
Guilt, lust, mistakes, passion, love, family, friends, late night music sessions, YouTube channels all day. Mixed emotions. I remember how last year people wished a happy new year. But this year wasn’t happy as compared to the previous years.
Came across many faces this year. Witnessed loads. Faced challenges. Declined offers. Overcame obstacles. But at the end, the “I am a hero” and “I am better than them” feelings don’t satisfy you much. At the end, it’s all a lie.
Times were better when my contact list read, “Baba, Maa” and the names of some relatives. They are still there, but with some more people. Some of who matter, and some of who don’t.
There are some, whom you meet and remember for a lifetime, and there are some, who give you nothing more than pain, and you wish you had never met them. There are some, who you feel, you just met yesterday. And then, there are the ones, who you feel, you had never met. And they leave you scarred. Deep motherfucking scars. Which never heal. Which, get deeper the more you think. And leave you annihilated. Ruining your life, ruining your desire, to believe again.
Times have changed. Cakes don’t taste as it used to. Blankets aren’t comfy as it used to be. The temperature is not very low, but I feel cold. It is cold out here.
Now, my ‘Hmm’s don’t make people say, “Don’t ‘Hmm’ me”.
Now, my Hidden DP and status don’t make people inquire, “Did you block me?” Or, “Are you there?”.
Teardrops have dried up.
It is cold.
It is cold.